Poll Results: Apocalypse Weaponry

the results are in....did you choose wisely? or are you doomed to wander the apocalyptic wasteland with your chosen weapon shoved up your ass sideways by Lord Humongous?

Nothing: 0%

wisely, our readers realized that going into the end of the world bare handed is the equivalent of facing the zombie hordes armed with a Supersoaker full of urine...

Axe, Bat, or other Blunt Object: 0%

sure, the Cold Steel Brooklyn Smasher is great for disposing of old entertainment centers in the backyard (see above), but fighting your way thru hordes of starving mobs for the last can of dogfood is going to be a lot of work. besides, most guns, when out of ammo, become a club anyways....

Pistol: 14%

while a handgun is a necessity in today's grimy urban landscape, it may be a poor choice for the unknown future. ammo conservation is going to be a primary concern, and handguns require getting up close and personal to make effective hits. have you seen the Road Warrior? do you want to be within pistol range of the Feral Child? or up on a hilltop raining in death upon the mongoloid survivors or a nuclear holocaust?

Shotgun: 14%

once again, although hollywood likes to make us think that the shotgun unleashes a swath of destruction on everything in its path, reality is a bit more subdued. like the pistol, shotguns lack range and hold little ammo. if the apocalypse of your dreams is swarmed with duck, geese, grouse, doves, and flying squirrels than you just might make it with a shotgun...

Submachine Gun: 14%

my preferred weapon for a Zombie Uprising, the SMG will suffice for end of the world duty in a pinch. basically a shoulder-fired pistol, you can squeeze out a lot more accuracy with the SMG, and extend your range to a hundred meters. 30 round mags are the norm for this class of weapon, making this a compact ball of fury that can work wonders on a crowd at close-quarters. however, other than reduced size, you're not getting any advantage over an assault rifle.
the above comments do not apply to machine pistols (Glock 18, Mac10, Uzi pistol), only to SMGs with stocks and an option for semi-auto fire (MP5, AR15 9mm, Uzi).

Hunting Rifle: 21%

despite the lack of "cool factor," the hunting rifle is a good choice if you plan on shooting more 4-legged than 2-legged varmints. which is a good idea, unless you plan on resorting to cannibalism in the first week (like me). while not capable of a high rate-of-fire, don't forget that the difference between a hunting rifle and a sniper rifle is how many Carlos Hatchcock books the operator has read...
head shots at 500+ meters beats smelling the putrid apocalypse-breath of your opponent at arms-length (again, remember the Feral Child. ick.)

AK47 / AR15: 35%

its the end of the world. its fucking war. what do soldiers carry in war? fucking rifles!
there are numerous internet forums full of slobbering retards to argue the merits of the AK versus the AR platform. but if the shit hits the fan, pick up whatever one you can get your hands on and start pumping rounds into the faces of any motherfucker who has gas, grub, or a teenage daughter (all valuable trade commodities in the world of the future).
AK47s, like cockroaches & twinkies, are the most likely to survive in the harsh post-apocalyptic wasteland. but an AR15 with a spare parts kit will give you 2-300 yards of accurate range over an AK.

The Apocalypse, like a side-scrolling video game from the 80's, is most likely going to require that you start with shit and take better weapons from your slain foes. but its never too late to start stockpiling, so get what you can now and have one less thing to worry about when 1/4 of the earth's remaining population are Feral Children. with razor-boomerangs. seriously.

*props to Yoni for the pics that don't look like shit*


dj c-sick said...

very nice, this even contributed to a post apocalyptic dream i had last night. a fun one

Curtis Chorizali said...

awesome way to sum up a great poll.
AK for the win.
i actually picked one up in buenos aires - pics to come.

dj c-sick said...

like, you picked it up, then set it back down....or you picked it up, took it apart, snuck it in your luggage and then brought it back to ny?

Curtis Chorizali said...

as in i picked it up already taken apart and boxed up, snuck it in my luggage, brought it home and assembled it on my coffee table yesterday morning. boom.

contakt said...

Word? Damn man. Wood stock and all that? Like the classic (the throwback AK if you will)?

Gatito Terristo said...

Aint gonna need any of these when a deadly virus set-loose by careless scientists or a self-aware A.I. wipes out the human population.