Ahhh. What a refreshing Tuesday morning, and while my ride in was short, how unbelievably uplifting it was, what a perfect way to be awakened. After a hot and humid night of a nonstop AC worship its nice to set out on a daily work commute and only sweat due to physical activity, not mere existence. A nice breeze, blue sky, dry pavement, fresh pair of legs, tires at their optimum pressure, cars parked in bikelanes.... It was that last element which made me derive a new system, a new formula, if I may so say, to figure out just how pleasant of a work commute it was.
Thus, the AIBLPM was born. AIBLPM might be a mouthful to pronounce and a mindful to remember, but once you know that it stands for Assholes In Bikelanes Per Mile, it will stick. One could also use Autos instead of the horrid A-word, however that leaves the character of these people out of the description, and therefore should only be used when describing the term to preteens and law officials.
Now, how do I figure this ratio out and how can it help? Read on.
I have a
superswift bicycle computer attached to my ride. Knog Nerd its called. My rapid commute to work is exactly 3.6 excitement filled miles, which take me from Bedstuy, Brooklyn to Dumbo, Brooklyn where I make my paper. AIBLPM is simply a calculation of the number of drivers in need of a parking space RIGHT in the middle of a bike lane divided by the number of miles of my trip to work.
Example - today the rate is
0.83 - since I managed to see 3 bike lane parkjobs within the distance of my commute - 3/3.6 =
0.83. Pretty simple. I expect this to be the average.
How will it help you? Well, that's up to you. Perhaps you can look at my findings, daily, and compare it to yours - just to see if your commute was really THAT bad. Perhaps, as a driver, you'll look at the rate and feel shame. Who knows. For me, I will try to figure out which days are best, which days are worse and simply report it to you, the reader.
Why measure it in the morning you ask, as opposed to say, commute home, where surely there are more cars to block the very few designated paths. Good question. Well, first thing in the morning, between 7 and 8, is when you catch, in my opinion, the pure offenders. People who do it because they have no fuckin idea, as opposed to because their job or fatigue dictates it. People who think that bike lanes are just another great idea - a designated double parking lane, a whole block long - just for them, or better yet, an extra passing lane.....why not?
Just as a note, if a bike lane parked car barely touches a bikelane - it does not count. A car has to be completely blocking a bike lane - preferably with a parking spot RIGHT next to it - for some extra asshole points. While my commute is rather short, the number of cars in bikelanes is often shocking, hence why I think this is a good representation.
I commute daily - and it will be my duty to bring you the AIBLPM ratio on a regular bases - otherwise there is no point.
Look, I expect gangsta mamis in Nissan Maximas to cut me off as they struggle to hold their cellphones with their shoulder.
But NYPD? The fuckin cops who are supposed to enforce safety and peace? What is this? Machiavelli the Prince put into action? If people can't love or respect you, the must fear you? Is this some sort of a crazy competition as to how much shit a cop can get away with before his papa cop tells him to knock it down a tad?
Why would a cop run a red light or a stop sign? Park in a bike lane? Why would a cop give a ticket to someone who's parked in a bike lane if they park there themselves? What are we supposed to do? Are we supposed to kick the cop car as we ride by? Yell at it? Take photos and send it to the mayor or whoever? Write petitions? Set the fuckin police cruisers on fire? Throw rocks at them from a secret location as they drive by? Spit on a cop car then waste your time dealing with a pointless summons? Fuck a police officers stay-at-home wife, dirty - then leave a "Parked my BIKE COCK in your wifes ASS" note, while the pig hubby goes about his daily business along with a lil order of Vietnamese food from the comfort of a nearby bikelane?
"Leaders of South Williamsburg's Hasidic community are pressuring the city to paint over the newish bike lanes on Bedford and Wythe Avenues because they're appalled by the immodest attire of female cyclists pedaling through their neighborhood."Gothamist
